Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
