He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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