Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
