I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
