I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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