even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
