This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
