Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
