he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
