she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Did I show you my penis last night?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
