idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize