I have demons in me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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