He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I want a musical about memes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
