The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize