upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
