Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
