can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
