Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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