Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
