I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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