I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
