The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
