Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
