Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
