Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
