Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
