I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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