And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
