I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
