Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
