i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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