You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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