How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
