I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
