i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize