i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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