in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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