yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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