Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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