Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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