it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
