You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
