I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
