You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every concussion has its silver lining
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize