Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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