I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
