i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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