We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
