You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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