I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
