he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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