Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
