I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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