So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
