She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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